HIS SECRET SIN

Being born a bastard might seem not to be of consequence in this age, especially with the baby mama fever of this generation, besides getting married is no longer in vogue rather the number of zeros behind a figure in your bank account is more important. This isn’t so in the late 1980s. As a boy the effect of been a bastard is 10 times worse. I was seen and called a nonentity and my mother was called a whore all because she got pregnant outside marriage. As a result of this, I had always purposed in my heart never to sire a bastard. That is what brought me to this state.

I’m in a conundrum of evil that I can’t seem to shake off neither can I run away; this is my life and I just have to keep pushing. No one forced me to marry her, I liked what I saw, I was struck and I couldn’t let go. This is the only explanation I can give for ever dating Olayinka.

Truly she is pretty, not just pretty but enchanting, her figure is worthy of drooling. Olayinka's eyes are like that of a doe - bright shiny eyes. That was my first thought when I met her at that party. Sincerely, I was struck, when I held her hands I was loathe to let go.

Since I was a tag along to the party in the first place, my eyes found something to gaze at and my idle mind rested on thoughts of her. Never in my wildest dreams could I have hoped to get her attention but luckily it seemed the feeling was mutual since Olayinka hardly left my company, to such an extent that, I really cannot remember who the birthday celebrant was.

A month after I started hanging out with Olayinka; I still found myself ensnared by her. In retrospect, I think I probably fell in love with her on our first date, because I spent all my spare time with her. Apart from running my business I only had time for Olayinka. Even my friends teased me endlessly because of this.

It all began when Yinka got pregnant, I was totally unprepared for this, after all the precautions. It was like a slap to my face to have sired a child out of wedlock and really, as much as I wanted her, I never thought about marriage not to talk about children. I never thought of having one really not with the kind of childhood I had.

This might seem cliché since I was in love with Yinka, but I just never saw myself as a father not to talk of someone’s husband, after all, I never had a Father. My mother was a free for all woman, she used the honey pot in between her thighs to survive. We never stayed in a place for too long, she had no opportunity to learn a trade since her family cast her out when she gave birth to me. She once told me she was gang raped in her community so she never knew who my father was. I was stupid to ask her that day, I realised that I was a child born out of pain. I am not sure if it was true but really, her life held nothing desirable. She died a year after, I was just fifteen.

I may not have much excuse, you judge me or pity me, I know I am a monster. After all, only a monster can treat lovely Yinka the way I do, I just know that having survived childhood from been sexually abused to gang beatings and still becoming successful, I have demons that I can’t seem to purge.

My greatest relief and pain is Yinka, I want her and still I don’t, I treat her horribly but I am not sure I can ever let her leave me. None of my friends know that I beat Yinka. Sometimes at least I try to control myself, but when the pain of my past gets hold of me I can seem to control my anger. The slightest provocation gets me off. I wonder how I kept it locked down for years even in the early months of my marriage, I tried to be there for her and Tiwatayo, but now, I just can’t handle it anymore. My heart grows cold at the sight of her, those times she reminds me of my mother and sometimes my heart warms and I remember how much I love her. I only told Yinka I was born a bastard she doesn’t know the half of it and really I can never let her carry the burden with me.

I just might be going crazy, every anniversary seems more like bondage, for my mind runs a flash back of all I have had to endure. My greatest sin was marrying her, she really doesn’t deserve to endure this pain with me. I’m on a journey of no return and I just can’t help but drag her along with me...

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