DISCOURSE: A particular young woman got married to a man. After their first child he stopped touching her (for close to three years), stopped eating her food and started hitting her but every time she threatens to leave, he begs her with gifts. How can such woman leave the relationship?
Sandra T. Adeyeye: This issue tugs at the heart of most women dying in silence. They have been subjected to pressured silence and made to feel their successes or failures revolves around marriage so they hang on despite being treated badly in those relationships. We have weighed in and found out that it's not worth it but like most women in such situation will ask, HOW DO WE LEAVE?
Grace: First of all she has to know why he stopped touching her; maybe she can't satisfy him again and another fresh fish is helping her ministry well.
Sandra T. Adeyeye: Lol... How does this help her get out of the relationship? Or are you suggesting that she stays in the relationship?
Grace: Ok at this point don't really know but a lawyer should be able to help..
Sandra T. Adeyeye: Hmm... Okay. Get a lawyer.
Tosin: Getting a lawyer is good, having someone to rely on is also important. Cases of abuse are very sensitive in marriage and must be handled with care.
Sandra T. Adeyeye: Okay... So what's your suggestion?
Tosin: A trusted friend or counselor is important, someone in the abused corner to defend and sometimes speak their mind because a lot happens. Especially if the significant other is cunning and unrepentant. To successfully separate, he or she needs a friend first! Support system does wonders
Sandra T. Adeyeye: Don't you think that after such lose of trust it'd be difficult to have trust for anyone and make friends?Most people become cheating partners because of such need for a friend...
Tosin Yali: Everyone has a circle of friends. The question is, does the victim want to separate? If the victim does then seek help. There are agencies that help with these type of cases presently. Most times our problem in Africa is that we don't ask for help and we bottle it all up. I don't advise cheating at all. It makes everything worse. I advice a trusted friend to be same sex.
Sandra T. Adeyeye: Hmmmm... I actually agree with you on this
Tosin: The abused sometimes do not know how to start when they decide to separate because most times their finances, jobs or livelihood is tied to their spouse. It makes it difficult to separate and that is why a support group is necessary.
Sandra T. Adeyeye: Great point here. Support groups are necessary.
Tosin: So that's my suggestion, I will add that separation incases of abuse is very difficult and it is advisable to leave early because it doesn't get better, only worse.
There are clerics presently married to women that are terribly difficult (hags). It's best to find a solution early and not dwell on society expectations.
Ese: For some weird reasons, I think the husband doesn't find his wife attractive anymore. Probably she gained a little weight or lost the sexy touch she used to have after her delivery.
That's not even the point now. The point is that her husband is tired of her and probably has fallen out of love with her. Despite this, he is selfish to let her go. His irritation for her obviously grew into some sort of hatred which makes him torture her both physically and emotionally. I ask then, why keep what you don't need anymore? Or is it the child? They can share custody if that's the case. If he doesn't love her anymore, he should say so but hitting her is the height of it all. If the lady were my sister, I would borrow you sense to walk out of the bondage all in the name of marriage. I would always say this to anyone who gets hit by their partners.
"If he hits you, he is not for you. There is nothing wrong to walk out from the relationship. Call for help and walk away."
To be continued...
It's obvious that this issue of leaving an abusive relationship and loveless relationship is quite a stress on its own. What would you suggest to the lady in question? Leave or stay? And why?
- NiWco Team.
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